Goals? At 29?

Today has been a battle, no, not literally, but I feel it inside of me, eating me up. There is a knot the size of Texas in my stomach. I don't want to go to work. Ok, yes I do, there is some amazing godly young women that I work with.... I love to hang with them, but its the attitudes day in and day out, this person likes this person, I am angry with this person, so I am not speaking to them. Its enough to make any normal person go insane, but I never pretended to be normal....

I am hoping that by venting to this obscure page this knot will loosen alittle, and the dam of tears ever waiting to over flow will go away. That I will have the peace to get through one more night of work until I will be able to see my family for the first time in about a week.

Last week I told my boss that I wanted to quit, when she asked me if I was putting in my two week notice, I told her, yes, I am. She encouraged me to stay another two weeks.... I should have said no, it doesn't matter how much money you will earn, its not worth the emotional turmoil I have been going through.

I know its alittle late in life to start having goals, but I never had any. Ever.

Now I am getting close to thirty, I haven't seen an inkling of what I am supposed to be doing in my life except where I was, but I can't be there any more. It was a perfect opportunity to serve, and share Jesus with others, I am greatful for this. But not a good opportunity to pay up on bills and start saving for a house or a car. When you have a young one with you, and you know she has needs, it feels like a sin to tell her no. Even trying to be careful with giving, somehow you never get ahead with this, unless you have a heart of steel. I don't.

I want to pay off my car. I want to pay off my credit cards, that I had to get to pay for my car to be running still today. I want to have my own laptop. Someday I want to not be living at home. I hate the looks i get when I tell people I live in my parents garage... "How old are you???" is the unspoken thought behind their eyes... I quickly tell them that I pay rent, but its still not the same. I want to travel, I haven't gotten a good amount of time off in about a year.

Sigh.

Dear Lord, please guide my footsteps, please help me to get into a job where I can still be serving you, but I will be able to pay my bills off. I know it is your will that I not be in debt, and I don't want to be either. I need you Jesus. Please come with your peace and over flow through me to the ones I serve today. I love you, IJN Amen