Christmas Eve

Hello, Its Friday night, and I am here, alone, at my house, at a computer. Sigh. Its ok tho, it could be worse. I could be stuck out in the snow with no where to go, and no one to care! :) I have a wonderful family, and a few wonderful friends I am so glad to have. I have been thinking about you alot lately. Yea, well, Christmas was a big deal when we were together, and when I think of christmas, now I think of you. You know, how you would get all excited about it, and how you would love to build a fire in the fireplace and make homemade New England Clam Chowder for supper, then spend the night sleeping by the fireplace listening to the crackle and pop of the fire. You know, how you brought over your favorite Christmas movies and fell asleep beside me that night while I was watching them with you because you had gone to my friends work and had a drink without me. I went to see my brother tonight. Seems like all we do when we get together the two of us any more is talk about finding someone and settling down, and its not me who starts it. I feel bad for him. I wish I could find someone wonderful and set her on his doorstep for him.... If I did do that tho, he probably wouldn't look twice at her, just because I had brought her around. I'm pretty happy how I am, yes. Mostly. Sometimes. Sometimes I cry tho...

Frustration

Blah. Tired. Frustrated.
Swollen. Sleepless. High.
Can't concentrate. Hard to breath.
Don't wanna work all night.
Don't know how I will not sleep all night.
Sigh.

I gained all the weight back that I had lost in my class now. :(. I am so discouraged. Don't feel like trying any more, but I am SO tired of being so dang Fat. Sigh. Don't know what to do.

What can I do?

Michigan City was coooold today! Ya, I texted a friend and she had gotten out of work, so we set out, her, her sister, my sister, and I for Michigan City to go to the lighthouse place mall. My little 13 year old sister wanted to get matching bracelets, but we decided for matching best friend neclaces... That was fun. She also saw the puma store, and had to get new shoes, so she did that. I was able to get a friend a birthday present also, I am really glad about that. We were shopped out when we finally left. Made decent time tho! Got home around 9.

I'm really tired tho.

You know, I don't hate my body, I just hate the size of my body... does that make sense? Sigh. I started a nutrition class a few months ago with my friend. My mom took it and she lost about 30 lbs. I guess I was just expecting the same thing to happen for me. By the end of the class my friend had lost over 20 lbs, and has lost more since then. I lost 5 lbs. 8 as of this morning. I am so very very very dissapointed, and I feel like there is no hope. I will always be this heavy. I didn't realize that being diabetic could really affect the way you loose weight. :(. Sigh. What can I do?

The Sun is Shining

"When I'm feeling all alone
With so far to go
The signs that know we're on this road
Are guiding me home
When the night is closing in
Is falling on my skin
Oh God, will you come close

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don't feel them shining
When I can't see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I've almost reached the end
Like a flood you're rushing in
Your love is rushing in (your love is rushing in)

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny


No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

So I'll run straight to your arms
You're the bright and morning sun
To show your love there's nothing you won't do (nothing you won't do)

You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me
And I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny that you and right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see you all around me
You light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

I'm finally getting warm.... I finally added another blanket to my pile. Every morning at 8:00 there is a horrendous noise from the garage below me, the van starts up, and I hear it leave and then that noise... again. Then for about 3 hours I am freezing cold.

I have a day off today. I am soooo excited! I am thinking about my options, first I thought I might like to go see my friend Amber, we have been friends for ages, well, since I was about 14. Amber came up to me at a birthday party and we exchanged addresses. Been friends ever since! She has always been a great listener, and gives really good advice. So, I was going to go visit her today, but last night at midnight her husband accidentally texted me saying "Hey, hows it going man?" Hmmm. Seemed alittle odd. Not just that he called me man, but that he texted me at this time. I replied "Hey man! I'm doing great!" lol, it was an accident, but when we were chatting a little he told me Amber went away for the day today. Soooo.. no Amber today!

I texted another good friend to see if she would like to go to Michigan City today for a few hours :). It sounds like fun, I don't have any money, lol, but hey, its fun to look around. I dunno what time she gets off work today tho.

I am just so happy to see my family :) Sigh... Last night I went to walmart to take some friends grocery shopping, and I saw the christmas lights, ohh they looked so nice, and only a couple dollars for a string of them! :-D I got some pretty blue ones, and when I got home from work, I was trying to string them around my front window... heee hee!! I was all stretched out, and almost finished when "WHAM!" the chair fell forward on top of me, and I was stuck between the wall and my chair! lol! It probably looked so funny. Either way I decided to put the lights up somewhere else lol.

Its time to start my day I guess....


As for God, His way is perfect, the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. Psalm 18:30

My sis...

I sit here at the computer, well, lounge is more like it. I am too tired to see straight. Work was great, for some reason i think every female that works and plays there was pmsing today... I came home tonight, and I was sad, I had asked my lil sister to bring my brothers computer to my room, and I didn't see it. Well, at about 1:30am my sugars got low, so I went down and found a small leftover peice of apple pecan pie.. YUM! On my way back up I spotted a laptop! at the bottom of my stairs. My sweet little sister had done what I had asked her to, well, in the way of young teenagers she had :).

So, ta ta for now, this girl is laying her head to rest, for tomorrow comes shortly.

Goals? At 29?

Today has been a battle, no, not literally, but I feel it inside of me, eating me up. There is a knot the size of Texas in my stomach. I don't want to go to work. Ok, yes I do, there is some amazing godly young women that I work with.... I love to hang with them, but its the attitudes day in and day out, this person likes this person, I am angry with this person, so I am not speaking to them. Its enough to make any normal person go insane, but I never pretended to be normal....

I am hoping that by venting to this obscure page this knot will loosen alittle, and the dam of tears ever waiting to over flow will go away. That I will have the peace to get through one more night of work until I will be able to see my family for the first time in about a week.

Last week I told my boss that I wanted to quit, when she asked me if I was putting in my two week notice, I told her, yes, I am. She encouraged me to stay another two weeks.... I should have said no, it doesn't matter how much money you will earn, its not worth the emotional turmoil I have been going through.

I know its alittle late in life to start having goals, but I never had any. Ever.

Now I am getting close to thirty, I haven't seen an inkling of what I am supposed to be doing in my life except where I was, but I can't be there any more. It was a perfect opportunity to serve, and share Jesus with others, I am greatful for this. But not a good opportunity to pay up on bills and start saving for a house or a car. When you have a young one with you, and you know she has needs, it feels like a sin to tell her no. Even trying to be careful with giving, somehow you never get ahead with this, unless you have a heart of steel. I don't.

I want to pay off my car. I want to pay off my credit cards, that I had to get to pay for my car to be running still today. I want to have my own laptop. Someday I want to not be living at home. I hate the looks i get when I tell people I live in my parents garage... "How old are you???" is the unspoken thought behind their eyes... I quickly tell them that I pay rent, but its still not the same. I want to travel, I haven't gotten a good amount of time off in about a year.

Sigh.

Dear Lord, please guide my footsteps, please help me to get into a job where I can still be serving you, but I will be able to pay my bills off. I know it is your will that I not be in debt, and I don't want to be either. I need you Jesus. Please come with your peace and over flow through me to the ones I serve today. I love you, IJN Amen